Bell Curve The Law Talking Guy Raised by Republicans U.S. West
Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Monday, March 03, 2008

Electoral Nachos

For those of you on the West Coast planning to settle in for a night of poll watching, here are poll closing times tomorrow (3/4) (all times given PST):

Vermont: 4:00pm (polls close 7:00pm EST)
Ohio: 4:30pm (polls close 7:30pm EST)
Rhode Island: 6:00pm (polls close 9:00pm EST)
Texas: Most polls close 5:00pm (7:00pm CST), but polls in El Paso area close at 6:00pm (7:00pm MST). It is not clear whether precinct results will be made availalbe to the press from any precinct before all polls close. Caucuses continue starting at 7:15pm local time.

What I expect to see:
4:00pm - Vermont will be "called" for Obama (Obama people, have a glass of Bordeaux or a perrier).
5:00pm - CNN will examine Vermont exit polls to see if they can determine anything other than that it is a very small, very liberal state.
6:00pm - Rhode Island will be "called" for Clinton (Clinton people, pop open the Blue Ribbon).
7:00pm - Ohio will still be "too close to call" (Obama folks, order takeout Thai food; Clinton folks, continue to eat your leftover hotdish or senior citizen MREs)
8:00pm - Texas will be "too close to call", and results for caucuses will be trickling in until midnight (Obama folks, turn down the plasma so the neighbors can sleep. Clinton folks: nighty-night).
8:30pm - the Clinton candidacy will be declared "not dead." Obama will be declared "the near-certain nominee." None of this contradiction will bother anyone.
8:33pm - Someone talks about McCain for two minutes
8:35pm - Huckabee announces his home planet
9:00pm - Wolf Blitzer and John King will start making out, just to see if anyone is still watching
9:15pm - Keith Olbermann begins a multi-clause sentence
9:20pm - Keith Olbermann concludes sentence; leaves modifier dangling anyway.
9:30pm - Keith Olbermann still looks very earnest
10:00pm - Donna Shalala will finally get to speak
10:30pm - Microphone successfully wrested from Donna Shalala
11:00pm - Exit pollers in Texas will realize for the first time that Obama is Spanish for "none of your damned business."
11:30pm - Youtube of caucus in Dallas shows woman beating Clinton supporter over head with a Nieman-Marcus bag.
Midnight - John Edwards will be spotted at an all-night drug store.

3 comments:

Dr. Strangelove said...

Hilarious post, LTG!! I shall have to pick up a six-pack of Pabst and a Hungry Man for tomorrow night. (More likely, a stiff drink while I watch my chosen candidate's campaign die at the Alamo.)

Your description of Blitzer, Olbermann, etc. reminds me why the only returns I allow myself to watch these days are the ones I obtain by pressing the "refresh" button.

Raised By Republicans said...

The Ohio version of Pabst would be something like Rolling Rock (from Pennsylvania but still popular) or Hudepohl which from Cincinatti and, as I remember about the cheapest beer you can get at a United Dairy Farmers. UDF is like a regional version of 7-11.

Oh, and HILARIOUS post!

Pombat said...

Now THIS little lot would make me pay a lot more attention to US political news shows (other than the Daily Show, to which I am addicted anyway).

Love it LTG :-)